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Continuum

Ambrosia grew up quick. Not big and strong, but emotionally mature. She learned to defend herself and learn about others from a distance. She couldn’t just trust people anymore. Not after years of Tera’s mind games. It always seemed like there was a trap-and Ambrosia was always falling into it. He would take what she wanted most and use it against her. When she got wise to that, he would get angry, and that would make her fall in line again. You are supposed to respect adults.

Ambrosia started her own secret life-one she could control. One where she could gather some answers. If her mother wanted her to spend time with Tera-she would certainly do that. On her own terms. When she was in control she’d get answers. When a young girl wants answers, she’ll find a way to get them.

Each night Ambrosia would ask her mother to sleep with her-and each morning she would have to ask why she never came to bed. Her mother would always tell her there just wasn’t enough room with Ambrosia and Tera already in bed. Ambrosia began to wonder if it was Tera’s plan to beat her mother to bed. She decided to keep trying her experiment for a bit. On several occasions, Ambrosia would wake to the shaking or force of the bed moving. Sometimes she would fidget and Tera would retreat, but other times Ambrosia still entered into her day full of pain. After two or three years, Ambrosia became a very deep sleeper. Almost as if a part of her didn’t want to be aware of the reality she lived.

One day at school Ambrosia’s schoolmaster brought some soldiers in to speak to the children. While they were there they talked of how children have boundaries just like adults and how adults need to respect these boundaries. Ambrosia, although young, found it strange that soldiers were talking about such things. As she listened to them they said things like “no one should ever touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable” and “if someone, even your parents, doesn’t respect your boundaries you need to tell someone and get help”. Ambrosia perked up. They couldn’t be talking to her specifically, could they? That would mean that her secret had been found out. It all made sense, why else did her teacher have the soldiers come and talk about this. Perhaps Ambrosia should say something. Speak up now. They were there to help anyway. What if that would get Tera into trouble? Or her mom? What if Ambrosia is to blame for this? After all-she liked the games. They made her laugh. Again she decided to keep it to herself.

On the way home from school, Ambrosia’s best friend, Sophia talked about the soldiers and their discussion. She asked Ambrosia if she thought any one’s parents were doing bad things. Ambrosia said “NO, why? Do you?” Sophia didn’t know about Tera and the things he would do to Ambrosia. She never told Sophia. Sophia mentioned that maybe Heidi’s dad did that stuff because Sophia thought he was gross. Ambrosia didn’t think so. Sophia kept talking about it. Then she asked if Tera ever did anything to Ambrosia. Ambrosia got embarrassed and angry. How was everyone figuring this out? She must look different from everyone? It seemed like the whole world knew what was happening to her. She thought about telling Sophia-but instead acted like she never heard the question.

Later that evening while playing at Sophia’s house-Ambrosia broke her silence. She pleaded with Sophia to not say anything. It had to remain their secret. IF she ever told, Ambrosia would never be friends with Sophia again.

The 3 Wonders

I was in church one Sunday listening to the sermon entitled “Wonders of Heaven”. It was centered around the idea that there are 3 wonders to Heaven. One-You wonder if so and so is there, Two-You wonder how they got there, and Three-You wonder how you got there. This got me to thinking.

When I die, if I am fortunate enough to get to Heaven, how would I react if my molester made it too? Would I be angry? Would I be banished from Heaven for crossing God’s judgement? Would I be given an opportunity to see his side of it?

I got to thinking this would be an excellent topic to write about. Sort of inspired my blog. I thought it would be awesome if I had an opportunity to converse with God and learn about the other side of my abusers life. What if I only know the monstrous things that he has done? What if he had done a million amazing things for other people? Would this sway my decision, encourage me to forgive? I think it’s a great concept to think that everyone has the good side, but can I believe it enough to ever forgive him for what he did to me for years? DO I want to? Why should I want to?
I talked to one of my friends who posed the question “Why does this person have to be in my Heaven?” I never thought of that. It’s a great thought, but I have always been taught that no sin is worse than another and God forgives everyone. So why wouldn’t he make it to Heaven? I guess it would mean that he has to acknowledge that what he did was wrong and that he is truly sorry for it, both of which I don’t believe will happen.

I became more vocal about my past and it seemed to help me, but I could tell it wasn’t enough, I started thinking more and more about the past. I think I would really like to come to terms with how I feel about the past/present/future and how this has shaped me. I am ready to share my story with more people. IF blogging will get out to more people then I’ll start there. If it helps me analyze myself, then that’s one more person who doesn’t have to suffer anymore.

Give me your thoughts and feedback…
till next time….BE GOOD. BE TRUE. BE REAL.

Melancholy

Okay, so if you even bothered to look at the about me section, you noticed that I said I was recently medicated. Who actually admits this? I do. I was stressed out beyond belief. I couldn’t say four words about how I was feeling without breaking down into tears. I was at one of my routine doctor’s appointments to treat my vicious migraines and they kept asking me what else was going on. I couldn’t even talk at this point. It was November and it may have been the combination of the approaching holidays, the long hours at work, or the weather. Any of these and then some that got me to this point-but my doctors left the office only to return with a psych test. I was furious. They played it off as if it were a routine activity for all patients. They asked me to fill out both sides of the questionnaire and they’d be back in fifteen minutes to check on me.

As I read the questions, I found myself getting amused by the questions. It almost seemed that no matter how you answered, they were going to tell you that you are depressed and we are going to have to start medication. I continued my task and, well got prescribed an antidepressant. Wonderful. I mean, who doesn’t want to tell their new husband “Honey, I know you thought I was crazy before, but the doctors seemed to have confirmed it”. I couldn’t deny that I needed the help though. I was definitely not in control of my feelings or emotions. I could tell you I was angry or sad or even happy, but all would bring me to tears. So I welcomed a new medication.

I filled my prescription and laughed when I paid for it. For a full month of antidepressant my total cost was $2.44 with insurance. That is about a four of my contraceptives. I started thinking that this is a bit strange. I mean, how come this type of medication is so affordable? I had to look into it.

I started telling the people around me “I was put on antidepressants” to see how they would react. I expected a few different reactions, but I got the same one every time. “OH, really? What one?” It was a huge topic starter. People had been on multiple types. I would hear things like “this worked best for me”, “this one didn’t” , or “you’ll like that one”. I mean why have we become so accepting of this. When I walked out of the doctor’s office that day I was embarrassed about my situation.

I took it a step further and did a GOOGLE search:
 I found that 1 in 6 Americans is said to be diagnosed with depression.
 More than twice as many women are depressed than men.
 Lower levels of education tend to equal higher diagnosis of depression.
 21% of people polled believe they are depressed but not diagnosed.
 1 in 10 women are taking antidepressants
 Nearly half of all Americans are on at least one prescription

The above is crazy to me. What happened to people before we had medication? Or before we determined depression was something to treat? Did they all commit suicide?
I looked into suicide rates. You would think that medicating the depressed would lower the suicide rate since the overall rate was 10.9 suicide deaths per 100,000 people, but it has actually been increasing.

What is the deal? How do we get over this? Stress is always gonna be here, how do you deal with it?

Newbie

So I’ve decided that I may actually have some interesting and humorous thoughts to share, so why not start a blog. I mean, even if no one opts to read it, it may become a type of therapy. I have so much going on right now that I feel like I am always two steps away from the edge. The edge of sanity, a building, the world…you name it-and that’s the edge I feel like I’m on. Don’t get me wrong, I love things about life and the people around it-but damn, there is always some force out there letting you know things aren’t gonna stay great for long.

    Let me not keep this too depressing…switch this up. I hope that I will stay committed to this blog with at least a weekly entry. I hope to share some of my highlights and low points. Great observations and the horrible realizations. If you happen to check out this blog and want to stay along for the trip…you are quite welcome. If you find you can’t deal with it me-see ya.

   My title: Facetious Creature…when I was little I was always told by my mother that she was being sarcastic… and then when I started adapting to that trait and using that word as my response to my behavior she hit me with “I was just being facetious.” WOW…what a great word. I mean it represents my personality to a “T” and how can it not be a great word? It contains every vowel, in order A, E, I, O, U!!! That’s amazing.  As for the creature part, I don’t always feel a part of society, I think I would be much better on the outskirts of it…perhaps with the animals. Left to myself or just far enough away to observe the rest of you. You amuse and amaze me at times. And that’s how I like it for now.

   Next time: I’ll let you know some of my back story and where this may lead to…..till then

BE GOOD. BE TRUE. BE REAL. ❤

p.s. this should have been the first blog on this site. Hey, we all make mistakes. That’s what keeps life interesting 🙂

Moribund

In the land of Moribund there is a young girl. She is very timid. She never gets into trouble, yet she is very brave among the few friends she has. Her name is Ambrosia. Ambrosia is sweet and always afraid to do wrong. The thing she wants most is the love, attention, and affection from her mother. Her mother is always busy. Ambrosia knows quite well that her mother loves her-that is why she must work very long hours and some times she even works several jobs. Even when her mother comes home, she is never really there. She is preoccupied with grown-up matters-so Ambrosia is left to tend to herself.
Well…..that is almost how it is.
You see, Ambrosia’s mother has invited a man to stay with them. He’s been there as long as Ambrosia can remember. His name is Terance. Ambrosia’s mother is very devoted to this man-although Ambrosia never sees them hug or kiss, she knows her mother loves Terance. Terance is not Ambrosia’s father but she knows to respect him as if he were and that he loves her as a father should. She has never met her real father, but feels that Terance is just like the dads her friends have-but she is still told to call him “Uncle Tera.”
Tera would tend to Ambrosia when her mother could not. He was always the first to offer to take her out of the village for journeys to other villages to show off their horses. This would allow Ambrosia’s mother to work longer hours and extra days for her masters. Ambrosia loved the journeys away from home. It was like the stories her friends would tell of family vacations, except she only got to vacation to other villages, and without her mother. For years Ambrosia would be alone with Tera. He would always watch her, take care of her when she was sick-give her medicine-and slept with her every night. This would make Ambrosia very happy. She finally would get the attention she was looking for.
Over the years, as she woke each morning, Ambrosia would be in pain. Unable to figure it out herself, she decided to wait for her mother one night. Her mother came home exhausted, but Ambrosia felt it was important to talk to her mother about the pains she’s been dealing with. Her mother explained that these were probably growing pains. Young girls tend to get pain in these areas when they get older-it’s how they turn into young ladies. This made Ambrosia feel better–she was only becoming a lady. There was nothing wrong after all. Since she had her mothers attention, Ambrosia asked her mother if she could sleep with her tonight. Her mother said “Yes, if there’s room tonight.” Excited, Ambrosia pranced to her mother’s bed and was greeted by Tera as usual. He was resting as usual. So pleased to have a “family” moment-sleeping with a mother and a “father” she crawled into her usual  spot next to Tera on the bed.Tera asked if she wanted to play their game. Delighted, she accepted the invitation. These games made her laugh. He shakes the bed like an earthquake is happening. Of course Ambrosia has to hold on to him, she didn’t want to fall. So he moved her to her usual position-laying on top of him. She held on and the game began. He shakes, she laughs. He shakes and she laughs. She laughs until the game has to stop because he tells her “there’s stuff coming out-let’s clean it up.” Ambrosia lays next to him, tired now. Mother should be coming into bed soon. She prays that mother will have room tonight.
The bed beneath her begins to move slowly-as if someone is moving closer. This awakens Ambrosia. She must have fallen asleep waiting for her mother. At the same moment she realizes that Tera is the force moving closer to her. Mother is nowhere in the room. She pretends to sleep. He moves slow-her heart beats strange. Why does he move like that? He moves with a purpose. He continues on-slowly he begins to put his hands up her pajamas. Startled, she fidgets and rolls over, away from him. This seems to be enough to stop his efforts. What was he doing? Again she drifts to sleep. Another day comes and the pain is worse today. Ambrosia starts to ponder if her pains are a result of Tera. That’s probably not it. He loves her. Maybe, she thinks, she should tell her mother about last nights events. Her mother would probably think she’s lying. Just looking for attention. So at last, she decides to keep it to herself. And for a few more years—-she does….

Hmmm…

I am currently using Blogspot. A friend of mine told me to try WordPress. This is a work in progress. I guess we are under construction. Stay tuned